Strange Place

Hello:

This post will be more personal than the topics I usually write about. I'm in a weird space and feel the need to write about it. My Grandmother passed away yesterday morning and I'm not certain how I feel about it. More to the point, I feel guilty that I don't feel much at all. Obviously, we weren't close.

My parents went through a rather tumultuous (a word I think should be used more often) divorce when I was about nine. It hadn't been a good marriage. It wasn't a good divorce. It was for the best.

I remember my Father's Mother as being distant and cold. During her rare visits she would sit and read plays or do crosswords while chainsmoking. As far as I can recall, she dealt with everyone equally, which is to say not at all.

I do have one warm memory of her. My parents owned a small lake in the country. She (I called her Peg) loved to fish. I remember getting an actual hug when I caught a large bass. It's the only one I can think of.

I last spoke to her five years ago when my Father was visiting. She called my house. When I answered, she asked for my Father. I handed him the phone.

I last saw her when I was sixteen. I am now thirty four.

My Father asked me to attend the service next Thursday (services will be held in Florida first, then she will be buried in Illinois). I said that I will go.

What will I think during the 4 hour drive? Will I feel anything at all for the person or will she become merely a symbol of frustration, resentment and rejection?

Peace,

P. Del Ricci - Dark Glass